


Complete Fucking Crack

by Lwoorl



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Mentions of Casual Sex, Multi, Sexual Insinuations, but nothing graphic, mentions of polygamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 20:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18645091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lwoorl/pseuds/Lwoorl
Summary: The women exchange a look, and finally one of them speaks up. “Ok, so. Lois and I have been talking and…”“We have decided to give you permission to sleep together.”“What?!”“...Excuse me?”





	Complete Fucking Crack

**Author's Note:**

> (If anyone has a better title I beg you to tell me. I suck at deciding names)

The monthly dinner in which the Kyle-Wayne and Lane-Kent families would spend the evening together had started soon after Bruce and Selina's wedding, and continued for over a year after. At the beginning there was a valiant attempt at making it a  _ truly _ family dinner, with the kids and all, even sometimes Alfred or Ma and Pa Kent would join, and one time even Katherine assisted. But, soon, it proved better for everyone's nerves if it was just the two couples, leaving Damian and Jon to busy themselves somewhere else, telling the pets to stay at other sections of the house, clearing all compromises for the day, etc. Just Bruce, Clark, Selina and Lois. A time to catch up between friends, leaving the superhero busyness aside for a day. Overall, a very necessary respite for all of them.

Now it was turn of Clark and Lois as hosts. It was a pleasant day, homemade pasta was eaten and gossip exchanged. That is, until the very end.

With the sun starting to hide, Bruce thinks it's time to leave already. However, just when Clark is about to escort the couple to the door Selina and Lois exchange an indecipherable look.

“Boys, please sit down. We need to talk” Lois instructs with a serious expression, gesturing towards the living room's couch, before joining Selina sitting at the other side of the coffee table. 

Bruce raises an eyebrow at Clark,  _ 'You know what this is about?’ _ Clark shrugs.  _ ‘Honestly, no idea’  _ and then sits as instructed.

Bruce feels weary as he follows him to the couch, but when he looks at Selina, she smiles at him. So he tells himself it can't be serious. 

“What is it?” Clark asks. He can't think of anything this could be about, so he probably shouldn't feel nervous, but there's just something about the words 'we need to talk’ that will make some people uneasy. He tries to remember anything he could have done in the past months and the only thing he can think of is when he accidentally put a handwash shirt in the washing machine. And Lois didn't even notice then.

“Oh, don't worry. It's nothing bad!” Lois assures the boys, probably noticing her husband's mild distress. “Right, Selina?”

“Oh yeah, it's actually good. So stop frowning like that, love.”

“Well, what is it?” Bruce crosses his arms and waits. Now, he doesn't _ think Selina  _ will say she's pregnant, it wouldn't make much sense to break the news in front of Clark, or for Lois to already know, not that there are any news to break, because she isn't pregnant. Yes, he's pretty sure she isn't pregnant. Pretty sure.

The women exchange a look, and finally one of them speaks up. “Ok, so. Lois and I have been talking and…” 

“We have decided to give you permission to sleep together.” 

“What?!”

“...Excuse me?”

Both men just look at their wives, their eyes wide open. Surely they heard wrong? Is this a joke? If it is, they don't show it. Lois just folds her hands on her lap, her expression as serious as before, and keeps talking.

“It's been on my mind for a while. At first I thought it was my imagination, but, after talking with Selina…”

“Look guys, there's just no way not to feel the sexual tension when you're together. Lois noticed, I noticed, I'm sure the entire justice league is just holding their breaths waiting for you to fuck.” 

_ Holy shit? _

“Lois, I love you. I would never cheat on you.” Clark starts to say, but his wife just raises a hand and cuts him off 

“Oh, I know that, I would never doubt it. And I don't think Bruce would ever cheat on Selina either. Which is why we're telling you you can, see, it's not cheating if we give permission. It's okay.”

“This is ridiculous.” Bruce frowns, he can't believe he's in this place, in this moment, having this conversation. “I'm not even-”

“Bruce, we all know you're bisexual, don't be a pussy about it.” 

“What I  _ was _ going to say was. ‘This is ridiculous. I'm not even attracted to Clark’.”

“ _ Everyone _ is attracted to Clark.” Lois says, like it's obvious.

“What?” 

“Don't act naive now boy scout. There's not a single person who doesn't think you're hot.” Selina exclaims while pointing at him.

“ _ What?” _

“Clark's hotness or lack of hotness is not the point. The point is I only see him as a good friend.”’

“Come on.” Selina places her hands on her hips and raises an eyebrow. “If the way you look at Clark is how you look at a good friend then we're basically brother and sister.”  

See, it's not like she  _ wants  _ Clark Kent to fuck her husband. But he trusts him to be nice with Bruce, and honestly if Batman and Superman could stop fumbling together like a couple in a 400 chapters shoujo manga and just make out already, that would be a favor to humanity as a whole, wouldn't it?  

“I have literally  _ no idea _ what you two are talking about.” Clark mutters. They don't look, sound or feel like joking, but he's nevertheless expecting for one of them to exclaim 'Sike!’ any moment now. Of all the possible conversations to have, this is one he never imagined having. Ever. In his life. And he's had a lot of weird talks in his life.

“We're talking about your obvious undying lust towards my husband.” Selina answers with a completely straight face. Next to Clark, Bruce chokes with the air.

_ Ok, enough of this. _

“If we should worry about anyone being attracted to anyone” Bruce begins, and he knows he will sleep on the couch for a week after he says this, but if he doesn't deray this conversation soon enough he feels like he will just fall dead on the spot. “It should be you!”

Lois and Selina exchange a confused look, neither of them expected that turn of phrase, and neither of them know where he's going with it. Funnily enough, it's Clark who lets out an appalled “What?” 

“You always borrow clothes from the other.” He keeps going. “And you went to movies together more than once. Not to mention I've seen you greeting each other by kissing your cheek at least twice!”

“That's just normal things between friends.” Lois replies while raising an eyebrow.

“Perhaps. But I've never done anything similar with Clark, you have to admit if someone should be worried it's got to be us.” He raises an accusatory finger. “Just look how close you're sitting right now.”

They're sitting together in the couch, close enough that their thighs touch. Selina didn't think anything about it, but now she's feeling self conscious, and not so subtly moves so there's some space between them.

Lois on the other hand doesn't budge from where she is. Instead, she raises an arm, and maintaining visual contact at all time calmly places it around Selina's shoulders, because she is the only person in this room who isn't a fucking coward. “We're getting off topic.”

“We're perfectly on topic. If you will accuse of anything it's just fair we can confront you too. Especially when you're even more obvious. Right, Clark?” 

“I… Uh, sure?” 

“Oh, don't be ridiculous. I'm not-”

“Selina, we all know you're bisexual, don't be a pussy about it.” He throws his wife's sentence back at her, in the most smug, and obnoxious way he can muster. Based on the way she frowns Bruce will  _ undoubtedly _ sleep on the couch, but if he's able to make Selina uncomfortable enough for this conversation to never repeat it will be more than worth it. 

“You have to admit you're pretty close.” Clark muses, getting what Bruce's trying to do. It makes him feel kind of mean, but to be honest, he also wants to get out of this conversation. 

“Oh my God, Clark, you too?” 

“I'm just saying. I remember you saying Selina was ‘Very pretty’ in her Catwoman suit?”  _ That's technically not a lie. _

At that moment. Lois decides it's been enough of this charade. A beat passes. Then “Grow up.” Without missing a moment, she leans towards Selina and kisses her forehead. The other three go dead silent and Selina is most certainly blushing. Lois just has a grin on her face. “It's obvious you two need time to think about it. We will see you tomorrow.” Dragging Selina by the wrist, she stands up and walks towards the door. 

“Wait, where are you going?” Clark asks, following the women as they walk towards the door.

“To the manor, obviously.” 

“We are?” Selina whispers, she is 60% following where Lois is going with this and the other 40% is whiplash by the quick change in the conversation.

“We are.” 

“Oh… Alright. Bruce, see you tomorrow.” She smiles and waves a hand. Lois opens the front door.

“Wait what are you-”

“Take a time to think about your undying lust for my husband.” She says to Clark. And “Remember to clean the bed sheets!” Lois adds, and then the door closes, leaving two stunned men standing in the living room.

“I… Suppose you will sleep here tonight?” Clark says out loud. Bruce just frowns at him. 

“I will sleep on the couch.”

“Uh, yeah. Obviously, where else?” 

“Yes. Obviously.”

Internally both of them swear they will never. Ever. Touch this topic again. In fact, they aren't able to look each other in the eye for a week after this. 

Meanwhile their wives just spend the night at the manor binge watching shows in Netflix.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you had fun! 🎉  
> As always, please remember to comment!!💕


End file.
